This short and sweet film manages to be effective spank-bank material while avoiding the cliches I dislike in lesbian porn. I give this film 3 Baja Fish Tacos, extra spice.
As the old adage goes, you should write what you know. In following this advice, it would only make sense that my next review be on a lesbian film. If I’m being honest, I couldn’t even bring myself to watch porn with a dick in it until maybe a year ago. What can I say? Dudes in porn used to dry me up like the Sahara desert. And trust me, no one likes to get sand in their vagina. I was absolutely tickled pink when my darling best friend brought this cinematic masterpiece to my attention. “This girl eats cunt like my boyfriend… And she LEGITIMATELY cums!” she exclaimed as she texted over the link. I had to see this shit for myself.
Nubile Films has titled their film “Dames & Diamonds,” however YouPorn’s savvy marketing team has decided to promote the film on their site as “Pussy Eating & Anal Plug Gives Lesbian Intense Orgasm.” Same, but different I guess. Personally I’m a fan of “Dames & Diamonds.” It has a “Bad & Boujee“ vibe, except instead of Migos popping bottles in a KFC, I picture basic white girls sitting around on a yacht and sipping rosé (all day).
Soft music plays as Tracy Delicious slowly struts across a balcony terrace, dressed to the nines. As the camera closes in on her tan coloured zip-up stilettos, I make a mental note to find them online once I’m done… “researching”. The camera pans up Alexis Crystal’s body from head to toe, showcasing her chunky heels and hot pink wrap dress. These girls’ outfits are banging. Maybe I can befriend them online and they can take me shopping.
Anyone know where I can get these shoes?
Tracy soon makes her way to Alexis and immediately they are making out. No “Hello,” no “How’s your mother doing? Is she recovering well from her knee surgery?” Nope, they skipped right past the pleasantries and went straight to necking like two horny teenagers on prom night. If you didn’t pick it up from my last review, I love a good back story. How did these two meet? Cheerleader camp? Craigslist casual encounter? Judging from their attire, I like to think they just met at their mutual friend’s vineyard engagement party in Napa, and snuck away for a naughty little romp. That would also explain why Tracy never asked about Alexis’ mom’s knee. Let’s go with that.
As Tracy kisses Alexis’ neck and looks at her like she’s the last buttercream mini cupcake, Alexis grabs her hand a leads her to her sex den – AKA a stark white living room. Seriously, why do pornographic films always take place in all-white rooms? And more importantly, why is my own living room decorated in the same fashion? I even have the same white fuzzy pillows.
Suddenly, the girls’ clothes disappear and Alexis is knuckle-deep inside Tracy. As Tracy moans, rubbing her own clit, my eye becomes transfixed on the diamond on her left ring finger. Holy shit! These girls aren’t just at any engagement party. They are at Tracy’s engagement party! The plot thickens… as do the erections of thousands of viewers.
Important plot point: Tracy’s diamond ring.
Although they are now nearly naked, the girls are still wearing hundreds of dollars worth of accessories. To my delight, their beautiful high heels are still gracing their feet. In addition to Tracy’s diamond ring, she is wearing gorgeous diamond chandelier earrings. A diamond pendant hangs off the black choker that tightly hugs Alexis’ neck. Is this video sponsored by Swarovski, or what?
Perhaps I’m biased, as I am a fan of smaller fun bags, but these girls both have phenomenal tits. Both Tracy and Alexis’ boobs are perky with perfectly petite, rock hard nipples. Alexis shows off her dexterity as she picks up the pace, fingering Tracy. You can hear the wetness of her pussy as Tracy moans louder. Kudos to the audio team.
As Tracy is finger-fucked to the brink of orgasm, and the scene fades into a beautiful shot of Alexis going down on Tracy. With her booty held high in the air, Alexis licks and sucks Tracy’s pussy, which is bare except for a perfectly shaped landing strip. (I used to wax my own into a landing strip, but quickly dropped the style when I realized that it made my boyfriend at the time look like Adolf Hitler as he went down on me. Not a hot look on him, IMO.)
I have the same pillows, but not the same landing strip.
Now it’s time for Alexis’ fun. The girls make out as Tracy kisses her way slowly down to Alexis’ cunt. Suddenly, my eye is drawn to a small, silver object in Tracy’s hand. What could this be?! Tracy spits on Alexis’ pussy and the wetness drips down her ass. As the camera zooms in, I realize the silver object Tracy teases Alexis with is an adorable little butt plug. As Tracy inserts the butt plug into Alexis’ ass, I realize it isn’t just any kind of butt plug – it’s a Swarovski crystal butt plug! I’m not even surprised – you can tell these girls have expensive taste. (PS. I think I was right about Swarovski sponsoring this video.)
The Swarovski crystal butt plug sparkles in the sunlight as Tracy goes to town on Alexis’ fiddly-bits. Tracy spreads Alexis’ lips as she licks her pussy. We are treated to an aerial view of the action as Tracy increases the intensity of her tongue-work. We watch Alexis’s ab muscles tighten up with pleasure as she moans. This girl has a rocking body; she must do pilates. Alexis is soon brought to orgasm, as she cries out and tightly grips the same pillow that is currently sitting on my living room couch. Tracy gently spoons Alexis, wondering how she’s going to explain her pussy-breath to all of her guests when she returns to her engagement party.
BRB, gotta slide into Alexis’ DMs and find out her ab workout.
All around, this film avoids all the cliches I generally dislike in lesbian porn. No long fake nails (ouch!), no sudden involvement of a 28” black dildo, and no fake orgasms. If Alexis’ orgasm wasn’t authentic, the girl deserves a goddamn award and should probably consider using her repertoire for the big screen.