Porn Reviews

THIRSTY THURSDAY: LUSTERY’s Fucking in the Forest

This amateur film is equal parts uncomfortable and confusing. I think I actually felt my hymen reattach as I watched this video. I give this film one prescription for Viagra, followed promptly by one click of Will Smith’s mind eraser device from Men In Black.

We live in the age of technology. Our lives exist online almost as much as they do in the real world. As a result, we have become a society of narcissists, obsessed with taking pictures and videos of ourselves, and immediately sharing them online for everyone to see. I can’t even go to the bar bathroom without taking a selfie of my bomb-ass outfit and posting it to my Instagram story. It’s no wonder then, that this trend has moved into the bedroom.

From Kim Kardashian and Ray J, to Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon, to me and my ex-boyfriend drunk as fuck in a San Francisco hotel room, we have all made the same rash decision: filming ourselves having sex. But just because you film yourself engaging in sexual relations with someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should share it online for the whole world to see. Sadly the couple in this week’s film (who I’ve learned from the YouPorn video description are named Malik and Fiona) did not heed this important advice. No, Malik and Fiona decided to film their awkward outdoorsy romp and submit it to Lustery, a production hub that releases self-submitted films from real-life couples.

The film begins with a shaky POV shot of Malik chomping down on some fruit at what appears to be a quaint picnic in the woods. We see Fiona’s hand reach in front of the camera and stroke Malik’s hair. Malik bites into the fruit and says, “Want a peach?” And this is where my beef with this video begins. Clearly this fruit is not a peach; it’s a fucking apple. When Malik bites into it, it CRUNCHES. Peaches don’t crunch! A peach would have been sexy. Malik could have seductively bit into the flesh of the peach and its juices would have suggestively dripped down his chin. This was a huge oversight, and now I’m forced to continue watching the video filled with disappointment. As the couple munch and crunch on the apple, I am repulsed. I’m here to get my proverbial dick wet, not listen to people loudly chew. This is university study hall all over again.

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This “peach” is where the trouble begins.

As the shaky camera turns to Fiona, Malik asks, “Do you want to come into the forest with me?” Fiona agrees, and the scene cuts to Malik and Fiona in the forest with an ass-naked Malik tied to a tree. WTF? Wasn’t it Malik who lured Fiona to the forest? Wouldn’t it have made more sense for Fiona to be the one tied up, since getting jiggy in the woods was Malik’s master plan? Why is Malik the one rigged up to a tree? As their oral adventure proceeds, the rope just becomes distracting. Malik’s arms just hang there in the binding. Isn’t the whole point of being tied up during sex to create a fun, sexy struggle? I’m bored. Little did I know, things would only get worse from here.

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I feel like I’m watching a shitty porn remake of The Blair Witch Project.

Fiona takes Malik’s half-soft dick in her mouth and I watch in awkward silence as she hauls on it. Why would a person put a video of themselves on the Internet if they can’t even get fully erect for it? As a viewer of pornography, I feel like an erect penis in the videos I’m watching is a minimum requirement. That being said, Malik does have an impressively large specimen, half-chub or otherwise. To be honest, it might not even fit in Fiona’s mouth if it were at full mast. The more Fiona licks and sucks and pulls on Malik’s dick, the more it refuses to harden. Maybe he’s afraid of bears.

Suddenly the scene cuts back to Malik and Fiona making out on the picnic blanket. The camera then pans down Fiona’s clothed body, and we are treated to a view of Fiona’s bush poking through her lilac coloured mesh panties. Judging by their accents and their pubic hair, these two are of European decent. The bush is something we should really consider bringing back into fashion on this side of the globe. Not only does it mean no razor burn and no painful ingrown hairs; it’s a much more practical for these cold Canadian winters. As I stare jealously at Fiona’s pubic hair, the camera pans back up her body. “Hi there!” says Malik, and we are transported back to the Fuck Forest.

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I’m starting a petition to bring the bush back.

The couple caress each other and Malik playfully licks Fiona’s small tits and smacks her ass as they make out against a tree. These two are very exposed. I hope their tetanus shots are up to date. As Malik pulls away from Fiona, his dick is the limpest it’s been yet, and hangs off his body like a piece of raw pork tenderloin. If you were making a sex tape, wouldn’t you have at least popped a little blue pill if this was going to be an issue? I’m not trying to give the guy a hard time (no pun intended), but throw me a bone here (no pun intended).

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But seriously, why though?

Suddenly the scene cuts, and a condom has magically appeared on Malik’s dick. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t like to see any protection in my porn. The last video I reviewed would have been ruined if the diamond-clad dames whipped out a dental dam before getting down. But alas, safety first I suppose. Malik bends Fiona over against the tree and rams his dick into her like a hacky sack into a fax machine. As he pumps half-heartedly into Fiona, Malik looks around the forest as if suddenly aware of his public surroundings. Maybe fucking outdoors just isn’t for these two.

We are treated to about 5 seconds of thrusting before we cut back to the picnic blanket scene where our friends are fully clothed again. I am thoroughly confused by the timelines of this film. Malik and Fiona quietly whisper to each other as they make out, and then BAM. All of a sudden we are transported to the Fuck Forest once again and are shown an uncomfortable extreme closeup of Fiona’s ass as Malik gives it to her from behind. From a POV angle, we are shown the back of Fiona’s head as she moans. It is important to note that we are now 40 seconds out from the end of the video and this is the first sex noise we have heard throughout the entire duration of this film. Thank god. I was getting tired of listening to the uncomfortable silence and intermittent bird chirps.

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??????

The camera pans back down to an undistinguishable patch of Fiona’s flesh as the video fades out. No erection, no cum shots, and no fun. As disappointing as that video was for its viewers, we can take solace in the fact that it looked equally unenjoyable for those participating.

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4 thoughts on “THIRSTY THURSDAY: LUSTERY’s Fucking in the Forest”

  1. Thank you for reviewing my film. Dick couldn’t get hard because of needles stinger in rosebush. They became lodged in testicle while filming. Very painful. Fiona does shave bush, what you saw was shaved back, typically bush extends down legs and up to button belly. Fiona makes me wear condom because the first time we met I give syphilis to her, next time i will raw dog. Ok? You will enjoy.

    Like

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