This very exciting premise fails to live up to its potential, as it falls victim to repetition. I give this misguided live-cam adventure one half-hard dino dick, with bonus points awarded for creativity.
The other day, I reposted what I thought was a hilarious meme on Instagram (follow me on Instagram HERE #ShamelessSelfPromotion). The meme in question is a screen capture of a video on PornHub where someone in a Tyrannosaurus rex costume is chasing a girl in a bikini, while both ride on hoverboards. The caption under the video reads “Big Ass Latina Teen Chased by Lesbian Loving TREX [sic] on Hoverboard then Fucked.” Hilarious! I thought, someone has taken a fake image and added a PornHub banner and a stereotypically ridiculous title to it. I LOL’d, reposted it with the caption, “@PornHub truly has something for everyone,” and went on with my day. Sometime later, @sadiesugar commented, “Please make this your next review.” Haha! I thought, if only this were real! And then it dawned on me: Holy fucking shit, this probably actually IS real. You see, I am a huge skeptic, especially when it comes to things I see on the Internet. I’m such a skeptic that I didn’t even stop to consider this amazing video might actually exist. That’s the beautiful thing about porn: it’s the one thing on the Internet that isn’t too good to be true. If you can dream it, there’s probably a video already made about it. And my friends, I am happy to tell you, a T. rex fucking a girl on a hoverboard is no exception. (Watch it for yourself HERE.)
My inspiration for this post.
This cinematic marvel begins, just as the title suggests, with brunette bombshell Kelsi Monroe being chased while she rides on a hoverboard by a man in one of those ridiculous T. rex costumes, who also happens to be on a hoverboard. The T. rex roars at Kelsi, as she playfully screams. “Come and get me,” Kelsi giggles, as the T. rex gains on her. Kelsi dramatically stumbles off her hoverboard. HOLY SHIT! I think, She’s done for! Instead the T. rex stops in it’s tracks and wiggles it’s tiny-ass arms excitedly. Well, if my many viewings of all the Jurassic Park films have taught me anything, T. rex aren’t known for being intelligent. This beast just missed his opportunity to attack! (Side note: Hasn’t science determined dinosaurs had feathers? Although, a T. Rex with feathers would make the creature appear far less terrifying, in my personal opinion.) Kelsi stumbles off her hover board again and the T. rex literally just turns around and starts moving away from her. WTF bro? You wanna snatch that booty up or nah?
A brazen hoverboard chase.
“Got any tricks?” Kelsi asks the T. rex, and starts twerking her ass towards the camera. The T. rex responds by turning his tail to the camera and shaking his ass in response. If this is foreplay, I’ve been doing it wrong. In a strange turn of events, the T. rex suddenly reappears with a giant strap-on attached to him. A common old wives tale states that if you want to know the size of a man’s penis, you look at the size of his hands. Personal experience and an episode of WAGS Miami dictate that it’s actually better to look at a man’s nose to gain this crucial intel. It looks like WAGS’ wisdom is beating out those batty old ladies this time, because this large-snouted reptile is packing some major heat compared to those minuscule arms. Kelsi begins sucking on the giant, fake dino dick. “Oh my gosh, I love this big, fat T. rex cock of yours,” she utters between licks. I am truly skeptical that this is what a T. rex dick actually looks like, but okay. Do dinosaurs even have dicks? (Read more about dinosaur sex HERE.)
A dino twerk-off, AKA foreplay.
“You all wanna see me get fucked?” Kelsi asks her webcam viewers. And for the first time in my life I can honestly say, yes, I genuinely do want to see this T. rex fuck this woman. The T. rex excitedly rocks back and forth on his hover board, and throat fucks Kelsi. (This is the strangest sentence I have ever typed, to date.) After another brazen hoverboard chase through the living room, Kelsi bends over in front of the camera and spreads herself open, ready to take the dino-dick. The T. rex plays “just the tip,” as he fails to fully insert his reptilian peen inside her due to his short-ass arms. Finally, the T. rex manages to insert himself inside Kelsi as she moans, “Yes! Fuck me Mr. T. Rex.” The excitement stops, and Kelsi sucks the dino dick again, and once again gets chased around. Yawn. I hate to say it, but this video is becoming rather repetitive and boring. I am sad, because I truly had high hopes with this unique premise. I mean, come on! Dinosaurs and hoverboards? How could it possibly be boring? But I assure you, I am bored AF. I literally paused the video and scrolled my Instagram feed to look at memes and puppies to take a break from this boring ass shit.
She sucks the fake dinosaur dick approximately 1046 times throughout the duration of this film. Yawn.
Luckily, the excitement resumes as the pair stop their overdone game of hoverboard tag, and retire to the couch. Kelsi gets on all fours and the dinosaur attempts to put himself inside her. Her eyes widen with excitement as she looks up at Mr. T. rex. “Mr. T. rex, you have a big… fat… ding-a-ling!” Kelsi laughs. K, never refer to your man’s cock as a ding-a-ling unless you want all the blood to immediately rush out of it. Kelsi struggles to get the giant strap-on inside of her, presumably because she dried herself out through her use of the term “ding-a-ling.” When her own saliva won’t do, she reaches for the lube. Is it just me, or do other people not care to see the application of lube in porn? I like to assume the girls are always wet and ready, and the guys are rock hard without the valiant efforts of the fluffers backstage. (Shout out to the fluffers, you’re doing God’s work.) Finally, now that Kelsi is all lubed up, the beast finally starts giving it to her from behind. Kelsi moans and screams “Yes! Yes! Yes!” as Mr. T. rex gives it to her harder. This is very bizarre to watch. Maybe I’m just a prude, but I don’t think I’m into animals fucking humans. Is there something wrong with me? Perhaps it’s the absence of a real, human dick that’s drying me out.
Give it to her, Dino-Daddy.
The animal roars with satisfaction as Kelsi turns around and sucks his prosthetic dick more aggressively. “Do you want to fuck me from the front?” Kelsi asks, “Can you even reach all the way over there?” it turns out those tiny T. rex arms can actually reach pretty far, because T. Rex grabs his dick and starts fucking Kelsi with it. Kelsi moans and Mr. T. rex roars. With her leg resting on Mr. T. rex’s shoulder the two continue to fuck, until Kelsi says “Eat my fucking pussy!” I stare at those sharp, dinosaur teeth, and can’t imagine anything I would want near my pussy less. The dinosaur “eats” her pussy, while Kelsi says, “You’re going to make me cum.” K, there is no way that feels good.
The dinosaur sits himself on the couch as Kelsi climbs on top of him and rides his dick. Mr. T. Rex comedically rocks his head up and down as she fucks him. This is the best scene of the film, because Kelsi’s best asset is prominently on display. This girl has a seriously nice booty, and it is quite enjoyable to watch it bounce around as Mr. T. rex spanks her. She climbs off him and starts aggressively jerking off the fake dick while Mr. T. rex excitedly shakes his legs and massages Kelsi’s tits with his dino claws. Kelsi turns around and Mr. T. Rex gives it to her from behind once more. “Your dick is so fucking T. rex sized!” Kelsi moans. (I might have to borrow this line.) The T. rex roars, and Kelsi says, “You’re going to have me fucking roar!” LOL!
This is the only remotely arousing part of the video.
“You want me to fucking cum?” Kelsi cries out. “I’m fucking cumming,” Kelsi says, as she does not even come remotely close to cumming whatsoever. This “orgasm” is so fake that she didn’t even attempt to fake it. No wonder so many men struggle to make women cum. They watch this shit and think that this is how they get the job done. Perhaps if they used a clitoral stimulation instead of hoverboards during foreplay, I wouldn’t be forced to watch this pitiful excuse for a female orgasm.
Kelsi turns to the camera and asks the viewers, “Did you guys like that? Do you want to see me get fucked by Mr. T. rex again?” And this time the answer is no. I’ll pass this time, thanks.